I'm walking amidst disgruntled people
who never watch at shooting stars
nor gaze at simple innocence
and i criticise loudly with silence
yet falling together
with them
In this big city mind of mine
children help scooping selfishness
out of adolescence
teenagers force false respect
out of old boys & girls
adults learning righteously fake selflessness
I laughed insanely with decency
yet crying together
with them
In this big city mind of mine
I'm driving through piles of cars
bulldozing every known vehicle
that deliberately knocked off liberating boundaries
witnesses cheer approvingly but look depressed
numbness stood together
with them
Why do thoughts never follow the rules
Why does simplicity deceive
Why does logic fight with common sense
In this big city mind of mine
simply shift?
5 comments:
I like the ideas presented. It just feels to me though, that this is a poem that could have been so much better. The basics are there but upon reading it, the poem feels a little stunted in places, for example:
'adults learning righteously fake selflessness
I laughed insanely with decency'
However there were some nice touches like:
'criticise loudly with silence'
I think with a little re-working this piece could benefit.
Hope I'm not too negative.
Even though I might not have sounded like it, I like the basic ideas.
Cheers
Lee
I like the pattern but why drop the "yet" on the third variant repeat of together with them?
I see potential for many ideas/poems to come out of the three questions at the end.
by Motivation_Missing
This was a decent poem but it seemed very still while the words of the poem were very action -moving.
by minty_lv
i dunno. needs a lot of rephrasing. Try not to use words that dont sound well together, or make sense together. (and a big part of something making sense has to do with sound).
The last part does seem a little seperated from the rest; and maybe the why why why is a little much at the end "simply shift"...cut that, scrap it, erase it, or put it somewhere else; its completely out of place. I think i could appreciate this poem more with some rephrasing and more honesty.
by sidney
A sarcastic view of the world that is becoming increasingly true.
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